The 10K Didn’t Change Me

I won $10,000 the other day.
Second place in a 2,300-player $50 tournament.
One of the biggest results I’ve had since I stopped playing full-time nearly a decade ago.

I expected something.
A rush of clarity. A vindication of all the effort. A sense that it was all finally worth it.

But the truth?
It didn’t feel like much.

Yes — I played well.
But I’ve played better in tournaments that paid far less.
I’ve played better and earned nothing.

And maybe that’s what’s shifted in me.
I’m no longer measuring myself by the number in the cashier window — I’m measuring myself by how I showed up.

How calmly I navigated tough spots.
How grounded I stayed.
How I didn’t get dragged into ego or fear or tilt.

The $10K doesn’t change my life.
I’ve made a lot from poker this year already.
But it does highlight what’s possible — that playing part-time, alongside therapy, is sustainable. Maybe even thriving.

I didn’t tell my son.
Not because I’m hiding it — but because it’s not that important.
It’s not what I’m proud of.

I’m proud of the emotional maturity I’ve built over the last ten years.
I’m proud of the resilience.
The self-awareness.
The commitment to learning, regardless of the outcome.

That’s the real reward.
That’s what I get to carry forward.

The $10K will be spent, eventually.
But the part of me that earned it — the version of me that showed up to win — he’s here to stay.

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I’ve shared a lot on this site about the struggles — the emotional weight, the rebuilding, the slow journey back to wholeness.
So it only feels right to also share what’s working.

I’m not shouting about this win.
I’m just letting it stand alongside everything else — not as proof of success, but as part of the truth.

And that’s what I want this space to hold:
All of it.
The lows, the learning, the wins.

Quietly. Honestly. Fully.

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