Today’s fishbowl session shook me deeply.

At first, I thought it was about being unprepared — not having my contract ready, not feeling grounded. But when the topic of race and division came up, my self-doubt rose: as a white man, could I respond well to a mixed-race client speaking of not belonging? On reflection, I think my uncertainty was more about my own self-doubt than a real lack of capacity.

The hardest part came when my father was mentioned. My whole body wanted to flee. I said, “I don’t want to go there,” but inside I was already halfway out the door. The block felt visible to everyone. And when the session ended early, I felt rescued rather than contained — left with shame instead of repair.

Afterwards, my inner critic attacked: this is why you’re alone, why you can’t connect, why you hide and leave difficult conversations. That shame shut me down. Yet part of me knows the truth: wanting to leave doesn’t make me weak — it shows me exactly where the live wire is.

What I saw clearly is that my body tells truths my words sometimes can’t. My nervous system said: danger, get out. I said the right things — “maybe it’s good to sit with this” — but my body carried the real story.

Key takeaways:

  • I don’t need to know another’s experience of belonging to be useful; I just need to listen and hold space.
  • Self-awareness matters, but in the room, embodiment matters more.
  • My shame narrative (“this is why you’re alone”) is old, not the truth of now.
  • Rescue isn’t repair. What I need is containment — slower pacing, not early stops.

The session left me raw and overwhelmed, but also clearer: the fear, shame, and urge to flee are not signs of failure. They are data, showing me where the work lives. My task is to meet them inch by inch, without turning against myself.