Lately I’ve been noticing something that feels both uncomfortable and strangely freeing.
There are moments when I think I’m making a choice.
But if I slow down enough to look closely, it doesn’t always feel like a choice at all.
It feels like being pulled.
The Pull
It usually begins with a feeling.
A slight restlessness.
A sense that something is missing.
Before I’ve really noticed what’s happening, I’m reaching for something familiar.
A video.
A new idea.
A distraction.
Something stimulating.
Something that promises to change how I feel.
The object itself isn’t the important part.
The movement towards it is.
A Convincing Story
What’s interesting is that my mind rarely says,
“I want stimulation.”
Instead, it offers something much more persuasive.
“This could be useful.”
“You should understand this.”
“This might help.”
It builds a convincing argument.
One that makes the pull feel like a thoughtful decision.
Familiar Feels Safe
The more I pay attention, the more I realise my nervous system isn’t necessarily choosing what’s best.
It’s choosing what’s familiar.
The familiar isn’t always healthy.
Sometimes it’s distraction.
Sometimes it’s urgency.
Sometimes it’s low-level stress.
Not because those things improve my life.
Because they’re well rehearsed.
When Calm Feels Uncomfortable
That has been one of the strangest discoveries.
Part of me has become so accustomed to stimulation that calm can feel unfamiliar.
When nothing demands my attention, there’s a subtle feeling that something is missing.
Not excitement.
Not purpose.
Just movement.
Almost as though stillness itself needs explaining.
The Cost
The pull rarely steals hours.
It steals beginnings.
The beginning of writing something that matters.
The beginning of a difficult conversation.
The beginning of simply staying with myself for a little longer.
Instead, I end up somewhere familiar.
Not because that’s where I wanted to go.
Because that’s where the pull was leading.
What I’ve started to notice is that the cost isn’t just lost time.
It’s slowly becoming someone who spends more of life reacting than choosing.
A Small Gap
The biggest change hasn’t been learning to resist every urge.
It’s been noticing them a little sooner.
There is now a brief moment where I can ask myself,
Am I choosing this, or am I being pulled?
Sometimes I still follow the pull.
Sometimes I don’t.
The important thing is that they no longer feel identical.
Living With The Question
I don’t think this is a problem to solve once and for all.
The pull is still there.
Some days it’s stronger than others.
But the moment I notice it, something changes.
Awareness creates a small amount of space.
Sometimes only a few seconds.
Sometimes that’s enough to remember that I have more agency than I first believed.
Not complete control.
Just enough freedom to choose my next step a little more consciously.
For now, that’s enough.