Am I Really Open?
June 01, 2025
I say to myself that I’m open.
But… am I?
Am I truly open to connection?
Am I welcoming people in — or am I quietly turning away when love starts to approach?
There’s a subtle kind of avoidance I’ve started to notice in myself.
A subconscious flinch. A retreat into the familiar shelter of solitude, even while outwardly saying I want closeness.
So I asked myself honestly:
Do I really want connection? Or am I terrified of it?
And the answer is: both.
The Price of Not Sitting With It
Here’s what I’ve realized:
If I don’t let myself feel the depth of this loneliness —
If I keep numbing, distracting, softening it just enough to tolerate —
Then I’ll never be desperate or courageous enough to seek what I truly need.
I’ll stay just comfortable enough in isolation.
Safe, but disconnected.
Alive, but not living.
A Quiet Kind of Gratitude
That’s why I’m starting to feel something surprising:
Gratitude for my loneliness.
Because it’s not here to break me. It’s here to move me.
To remind me that I was never meant to stay comfortable in isolation.
Loneliness is not a flaw — it’s a flare.
A message from my deeper self, saying:
“You were made for something more.”
And the only way I’ll ever experience the kind of connection I long for — real, mutual, safe — is if I walk toward it. Sword in hand. Nervous system screaming. But still walking.
Not Just Willing — Wanting
I don’t want to just “be okay” on my own anymore.
I can be — I’ve proven that.
But I want more than okay.
I want to connect.
To let people see me.
To offer my love. To receive it.
And if I have to feel every ounce of emptiness first to get there — then so be it.
I’ll feel it. I’ll sit with it. And then I’ll walk toward the light.
“It’s not about being ready. It’s about being real. And choosing to move anyway.”