Arriving with a Full Cup

There’s a part of me that still doesn’t understand why I didn’t get onto Level 4.
And there’s another part that quietly wonders… maybe this was protection, not punishment.

Maybe my tutors saw something I didn’t.
Not a lack of potential—but a need for more stability before I step into something as intense and demanding as counselling training. Maybe they saw the risk of me placing too much of my emotional weight on the course—and knew that, without strong external friendships or support, that could become overwhelming.

And if I’m being honest, I can see it now.
The course was starting to carry everything—my identity, my community, my direction. That’s a lot to ask of any one thing, especially something so emotionally demanding.

So maybe this year isn’t a step back.
Maybe it’s a step around. A time to build the kind of stability that means I don’t arrive at Level 4 needing it to hold me, but ready to bring something to it.

A year to:

• Form real friendships, not tied to a classroom or shared goals, but based on who I am becoming.
• Build rhythms of life that include joy, rest, and space.
• Anchor myself in my own worth, regardless of qualifications.

Because what would be worse than this moment?
Starting the course, feeling overwhelmed, and having to step away because I didn’t have enough to support myself. That would have set me back much further than this year off.

So maybe this time is sacred.
A time to slowly fill my own cup—so when I do arrive, I’m not looking to be rescued.
I’ll be ready to serve.

And just to be clear:
I don’t think this was about my ability to do the work. I know I’m capable.
My assessments reflected that, and I felt proud of what I offered. I showed up. I listened. I held the space with care and competence.

So I keep circling back to this quiet thought: maybe it wasn’t about performance at all.

Maybe this was care.

Maybe they understood how much I’ve lived through, how far I’ve come, and how close I am to something even more solid. And maybe they thought:
If he gives himself one more year—one more year to build his life—he’ll come into this not just ready, but resourced.

And if that’s true, then this might be a gift I didn’t ask for, but needed anyway.