Avoidance Wasn’t Who I Was — It Was How I Survived
June 08, 2025
I didn’t avoid people because I didn’t care. I avoided them because connection felt dangerous — and staying away felt like the only way to stay safe.
There was a time I thought I just didn’t like people.
Or that I was better off alone.
Or that I was too “deep,” too “intense,” too “different” to really be understood.
But that wasn’t the truth.
The truth was:
Avoidance wasn’t who I was. It was how I survived.
🧠 Where It Came From
When you grow up with inconsistent, rejecting, or conditional love, your body learns fast:
- Closeness = risk
- Being seen = danger
- Needing = shame
So you learn to manage everything alone.
You pull back.
You go quiet.
You become the one who doesn’t need anyone — even though you desperately do.
It wasn’t a personality trait.
It was a trauma adaptation.
🕳 The Cost of Survival
I’ve kept myself at a distance for so long — not because I didn’t want connection, but because I didn’t trust I could have it safely.
I projected my past onto everyone.
Expected rejection.
Feared intimacy.
Held people at arm’s length and then quietly mourned the space I created.
I was trying to stay safe — but I ended up staying alone.
💬 Not Broken. Just Wounded.
I don’t need to pathologize myself.
I don’t need a label to explain it.
What I do need is this simple truth:
Avoidance wasn’t my nature.
It was the shape my love took when safety was never guaranteed.
And now that I see it, I can learn to come closer —
Gently.
Slowly.
Honestly.
Without shame.
🕯 Because Connection Shouldn’t Have to Cost Me My Safety
I’m ready to find a way of being with people that doesn’t require me to disappear.
That doesn’t start with fear and end with shame.
That lets me be held without needing to be perfect.
Avoidance was how I survived.
But it’s not how I want to live.