Lately, I’ve been very aware of a pattern in myself: I tend to push people away, even when they’re genuinely interested in me. It feels so unfamiliar that I question it, which is really sad, because I can see how it’s probably been a pattern my whole life. It highlights just how little attunement I’ve experienced. I don’t know if that’s purely a reflection of society or something specific to me because of my emotionally absent childhood, but either way it feels important to notice.

What excites me is that college offers the possibility of repair. I can be open with people and say, “I’m not used to people being genuinely interested—you caught me off guard—but I’d love to have an honest connection with you.” That feels like growth.

I’ve realized many of my past relationships have been one-sided. People would come to me with their issues, but if I needed support or regulation, it was rare for that to be offered in return. Carrying that weight repeatedly left me feeling drained, and in the end, I chose solitude rather than continuing dynamics where my needs weren’t respected. I’ve also noticed that when I do step back or reduce my attunement, people can become irritable and even start crossing boundaries. In one sense, it shows I do bring value, but it also highlights how often I’ve entangled myself with people who don’t truly respect my time or energy.

That path has been lonely, and having so many of those one-sided experiences stacked up can make it hard to believe that healthy connections exist. But college has been refreshing. It feels like a concentration of people who are emotionally healthier—not perfect, but willing to connect, to be open, curious, and kind.

Those three qualities—open-mindedness, curiosity, and kindness—are what I want in every relationship that goes beyond the surface. And I’m excited. I feel fortunate and grateful to be on this Level 4 course, because it feels like I may have found a community that can truly support me. I wouldn’t be surprised if over time my confidence, self-esteem, and sense of belonging grow, and even my physical health reflects that.

This could very well be the best season of my life.