Embracing the Lonely Middle

June 01, 2025

I don’t know how to do it.
But I know I have to do it.

I thought connection would gently ease in as I healed. And maybe some of it has.
There are sparks — people at college who I feel a sense of potential with.
But I can’t rely on one environment to meet every emotional need I have.

And yet, I’m tired. My energy is limited.
I’m trying to be mindful — not to force things, not to overextend, not to chase.

It’s not an excuse.
It’s just where I am.

The Things I’ve Already Done

I’ve stopped giving energy to places and people where connection was always out of reach.
That took something. That’s a beginning.
And in doing that, I’ve created a little more internal space —
space where I’m more regulated, more open, more available.

But connection hasn’t landed yet in the way I imagined.
And maybe that’s because it rarely does.

What I’m Longing For

Yes, I think I want a relationship.
But underneath that, what I’m really longing for is connection.

To be seen. To see someone.
To feel safe. To feel wanted.
To relax around another human being — not because I’m performing, but because I’m finally able to just be.

And maybe that starts with smaller things:

A good conversation at college.
A shared moment with someone I barely know.
A smile that lingers just a little longer than usual.

Those are the footholds.
And right now, I’m in the lonely middle — no longer starving for crumbs, but not yet sitting at the table.

This Part is Sacred, Too

It’s easy to think this stage is meaningless — the waiting, the middle, the quiet.
But it’s not.

This is the part where I choose integrity over desperation.
Where I walk the talk. Where I let the discomfort mature me instead of harden me.
Where I remind myself that not being chosen by someone doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It just means I’m still on the way.

This is where I build the kind of foundation that can hold the love I long for — when it finally arrives.

And until then?

I’ll keep showing up.
Not perfectly. Not always gracefully.
But honestly.

Because the lonely middle might just be the birthplace of something real.