Is It Narcissism or Just Emotional Immaturity?

Lately, I’ve been sitting with a quiet but painful feeling — the sense that my tutors must have viewed me as somehow unsafe to work with clients. That’s the impression I’ve been left with after being rejected from Level 4 counselling training without clear feedback.

And when there’s silence, the mind fills the gaps. It’s hard not to project all the worst-case meanings into that space. Did I come across as too intense? Too open? Too much?

But here’s what I’m starting to realize: these kinds of decisions often aren’t about truth. They’re about risk management. Institutions don’t always have the emotional maturity to hold someone who doesn’t fit their mold. They may view openness — especially around complex mental health history — as a liability. Not because the person is dangerous, but because the system is limited.

Still, I would have appreciated the dignity of a clear explanation. When people don’t offer that, it can feel like a silent character assassination. Like being judged in a room I wasn’t even invited into.

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On Narcissism (and the People We Label)

This ties into something else I’ve been noticing more broadly: the word narcissist is everywhere.

It seems to have become the default label for anyone who behaves in a way that feels selfish, manipulative, or emotionally distant. And while I understand the need to name harmful behavior, I think we’re often mistaking something else: emotional immaturity.

Many people are emotionally stunted — not out of malice, but because of trauma. Their responses (tantrums, stonewalling, passive aggression, control) aren’t signs of narcissistic personality disorder — they’re signs of undeveloped emotional skills.

And here’s the thing: immaturity still hurts. It can damage relationships and erode trust. But when we label someone as a narcissist, we often:

• Remove the possibility of growth,
• Position ourselves as emotionally superior,
• And lose sight of the human behind the behavior.

I’m not saying we should excuse the impact. But I am saying we might do better by calling it what it often is: a lack of relational maturity.

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What Emotional Maturity Actually Looks Like

A secure, emotionally mature person doesn’t need to dominate, belittle, or withdraw. They can:

• Name their feelings clearly,
• Set boundaries without cruelty,
• And respect someone else’s individuality, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Emotionally immature people often can’t do that — yet. But I think they can learn, even if slowly. And if we give up on them by labeling them permanently, we cut off that possibility.

The term toxic still holds weight for me — because it points to the impact. But I think it’s worth remembering that most toxic behavior comes from unhealed pain, not evil intent.

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A Final Thought

Maybe this whole journey — from being rejected, to questioning labels, to defining maturity — is about my own growth too.

Maybe I’m learning to trust that the way I see the world isn’t too much. That emotional depth is not a flaw. That my disappointment with others’ immaturity is really a mirror — showing me just how deeply I long for truth, respect, and mutual care.

And maybe one day, I’ll help build the spaces I wish had existed for me.

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