Freedom Isn’t Urgency

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Lately, I’ve been waking up early—sometimes too early—to play poker tournaments.
There’s a voice in me that says:
“You’ve got to play now. You’re missing out. You’ll fall behind.”

And for a while, I listened.
I believed that voice.
I thought it was drive. Hunger. Ambition. Potential.

But now, I’m starting to see it differently.

That voice might not be ambition.
It might be survival.

It’s the younger version of me—still carrying the fear that if I don’t keep pushing, I’ll lose everything. That I’ll fail. That I’ll never prove I was good enough.

Poker gave me something concrete to hold onto. It offered agency in a world where I often felt powerless. And to be fair—it served me when I needed it.

But I’m not in that place anymore.
I’ve poked my head above the trenches. And I’m realizing something simple but important:

I’m already free.

There’s no one coming to take this away.
The money I’ve received is mine.
I don’t have to prove myself to keep it.
I don’t have to perform to stay safe.

And yet… part of me still wants to prove something.

Part of me says:
“If I just put in more hours, I’ll finally prove I’m profitable.”
“I’ll validate this whole journey. I’ll be vindicated.”

But when I sit with that, I realize:
That’s not my adult voice speaking.
That’s the adapted, rebellious part of me—the one shaped by childhood wounds, always looking to earn love, to get the final say, to win.

It’s not balanced.
It’s not free.

That part of me doesn’t need shame.
It needs care.

This is where my nurturing, fathering energy can step in—the part of me I’m learning to embody.

To say gently:

“You’ve already proven you’re good at poker.
You’ve already shown you can do hard things.
But you don’t need to play from pressure.
You don’t need to prove anything to be valid.
You’re loved. You’re accepted.
Maybe just by yourself, at first—but that’s enough.”

Poker doesn’t define me.
And neither does validation.

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Each day now, I ask myself:

Am I playing from freedom—or fear?
Am I resting from love—or guilt?

Because freedom isn’t about how much I do.
It’s about remembering that I don’t have to do anything to earn being okay.