Generational Damage and the Boundaries We Keep
July 02, 2025
A personal reflection on the differences between unconscious harm and malicious intent, and the importance of setting boundaries across generations.
There are some truths I’ve had to wrestle with in private for a long time — truths about the two women who shaped my life most: my mother, and my son’s mother.
Both caused harm.
Both were likely shaped by painful, unhealed childhoods.
But the flavor of their damage was entirely different.
My Mother: The Consuming Force
My mother didn’t just hurt me — she used me.
It felt like I existed to help her regulate her own chaos. And while I want to believe some of that was unconscious, I’ve seen her mask drop. I’ve seen her say things with intention. Things meant to cut. To control. To make me feel small.
What made it even more disorienting was how she pretended otherwise.
The manipulations were subtle, often cloaked in care.
But when you’ve lived through it long enough, you know the difference between someone who’s hurting and someone who needs you to hurt so they can feel powerful.
My Ex-Partner: The Unready Mirror
My son’s mother hurt me too — just in a different way.
It never felt like she wanted to destroy me.
It felt like she was naive. Emotionally immature. Drowning in her own unprocessed past, and latching onto whatever she could.
Sometimes, that “whatever” was me.
She didn’t lash out with cruelty. She didn’t strip me down to nothing. But she also didn’t try to heal.
She didn’t take responsibility.
She didn’t protect what we had — or what we were trying to build for our son.
And that still hurts.
Even unconscious harm leaves bruises.
Drawing the Line
It’s taken me years to understand that just because someone didn’t mean to hurt you doesn’t mean you have to keep them close.
I can now see how my ex will act — because she’s still acting from the same unexamined place she always was. I can predict it. And I’ve decided: I don’t want that energy in my life anymore.
She’s made no effort to change. And while I’ll always respect her as the mother of my child, I won’t allow her into my inner world again.
The Arc of Generational Healing
If there’s one quiet comfort in all this, it’s that the damage lessened through the generations.
My mother was like a storm.
My ex was more like a drifting tide — still dangerous, still unsteady, but not malicious.
And me? I’m doing the work. The hard, messy, lonely work of facing it all head-on — so my son doesn’t have to.
That’s the arc of healing.
Not perfection.
Just less pain passed on.
And maybe that’s the best I can do.
Closing Thought
Even if the hurt was unintentional, it’s okay to protect yourself.
Even if they didn’t mean it, you’re allowed to say:
This doesn’t get to keep happening. Not through me. Not anymore.
Because the line has to be drawn somewhere.
And I’m learning to draw it — not in anger, but in love.
For me.
For my son.
For the future we’re building together.