Gentle Duty and Self-Return

My son told me he felt like I haven’t been spending enough time with him lately.
And honestly, he’s right.

Not because I don’t want to—
But because I’ve been overwhelmed with emotional processing.
My energy’s been low. My nervous system tired.
And sometimes, I’ve had to ask his mum to take over.

So on Sunday, when I’d usually have him, she looked after him.
And today—Tuesday—I chose to have him, even though it’s her usual night.
I wanted to honour the space she gave me, and I also felt like he needed that time with me.

I believe I’ll be okay.
But I also know I’m running on limited fuel.
By the time bedtime rolls around, I’ll probably be close to empty.

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So now I’m sitting in that space:

Am I gently pushing myself, or am I abandoning myself again?

I don’t think I’m pushing from guilt exactly.
But I’m aware that duty can become performance if I don’t check in with myself.

And I am checking in.

That’s why this feels different than it used to.

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I also think the shift came from being more honest with him.
Telling him what annoys me.
What he can do to make things smoother.
Not in a punishing way—just being real, direct, human.

And to my surprise, it worked.
Things felt easier.
He responded to my honesty with more calm, more respect.

It’s amazing how children will often rise to meet our truth when we stop hiding it from them.

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I’m also giving myself credit for asking for help.
Sunday’s ask was a sign of growth.
His mum stepped up, not out of obligation, but out of shared care.
There was no game-playing. Just honesty.
And she respected that.

That felt new.
And needed.

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So yes, I’m tired.
Yes, I might be driving more on duty than desire right now.
But I also know I’ll return to myself.

Wednesday I’ll see friends at college.
Thursday I’ll support him at training.
Friday and Saturday I rest.
And Sunday is Father’s Day—a day that, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel okay about receiving.

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So this is what I’m learning:

• Duty doesn’t have to mean self-abandonment.
• Sacrifice isn’t always harmful, if you return to yourself after.
• Sometimes parenting is showing up on half a tank—with truth instead of resentment.

This is a gentle duty.
And I’m learning how to walk it, without losing myself.