There was a moment recently that stuck with me.

Not because anything went wrong.

But because something went… right.

And I didn’t quite know what to do with it.

The Feedback

I received some video feedback on my essay.

It was positive.

Genuinely positive.

“I love this, it’s a wonderful piece of work.”

And I could feel it land.

Not fully.

But enough to register.

Letting It In (A Bit)

For the most part, I didn’t deflect it.

I didn’t immediately shut it down.

I just… took it.

Which, for me, is already different.

Then It Happened

There was a moment where something in me went:

“Alright, that’s enough.”

Almost like a quiet internal limit.

And before I could really think about it…

I made a joke.

Something light.

Something that shifted the focus away.

It Wasn’t Planned

That’s the part that stood out.

It wasn’t a conscious decision.

It was automatic.

Like my system stepped in and said:

“We can’t take much more of this right now.”

The Second Wave

Then he said it again.

More praise.

More certainty.

And I could feel it even more clearly:

“Whoa… this is a lot.”

Not bad.

Not uncomfortable in a painful way.

Just… too much, too quickly.

The Cake Analogy

The best way I can describe it is this:

It felt like being offered cake.

Not a small slice.

The whole thing.

And instead of thinking:

“I don’t deserve this”

It was more like:

“I can’t eat all of that at once.”

That Changes Everything

Because it’s not about worth.

It’s about capacity.

I don’t think I was rejecting the praise.

I think I was reaching the limit of what I could hold.

The Old Pattern

Looking back, it makes sense.

If being seen wasn’t always safe…

If praise wasn’t always consistent…

Then too much of it at once might feel overwhelming.

Even if it’s genuine.

Even if it’s deserved.

The Subtle Defence

The humour wasn’t random.

It was a way to:

  • reduce the intensity
  • create space
  • bring things back to a level I could manage

Not to reject what was said.

Just to regulate it.

The Interesting Part

I didn’t miss it.

I saw it happen.

Almost in real time.

That small shift from:

receiving → deflecting

And that awareness feels important.

Not “I Can’t”… Just “Not Yet”

It would be easy to say:

“I’m just not good at receiving praise.”

But that doesn’t feel quite right.

It feels more like:

“I can receive some… just not all of it yet.”

Expanding the Capacity

Maybe the work isn’t to force myself to take it all.

Or to pretend it doesn’t affect me.

Maybe it’s something quieter.

Just slowly increasing what I can hold.

One moment at a time.

Next Time

Next time, the impulse might still be there.

To joke.
To deflect.
To soften it.

But maybe I pause.

Even slightly.

And instead of moving away from it, I stay for a second longer.

A Different Response

Not perfect.

Not polished.

Just something simple like:

“Thank you… that means a lot.”

And letting that sit.

Even if it feels unfamiliar.

The Realisation

It’s not that I don’t believe the praise.

It’s that I’m still learning how to hold it.

Today

Today, I don’t need to force anything.

I don’t need to become someone who absorbs it all effortlessly.

Just someone who can take…

One more bite than before.

That’s enough.