I Keep Having the Biggest Realisation... and Forgetting It

I keep having what I believe is the biggest realisation of my life.
And then… I forget it.

It’s not like it wasn’t meaningful.
In the moment, it feels massive—like everything shifts, like some old emotional architecture collapses and a new view opens up.
And then… a few days pass. And I can’t remember what the breakthrough even was.

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Sometimes I wonder if I’m going backwards.
Sometimes I think, “If it was that important, why didn’t it stick?”
But I’m starting to believe that maybe it’s not about remembering.
Maybe it’s about letting the insight shape me, even if I don’t consciously hold onto it.

Maybe I don’t need to remember it because I’ve already become it.

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The last few months, I’ve been tired.
Lethargic. Slow. Not depressed exactly—just… still.
And now I’m starting to wonder if that wasn’t a problem.
Maybe it was my body preparing.
Maybe it was all building up to this moment—this phase of deeper truth, deeper release, deeper integration.

It feels like I’ve been shedding layers that I didn’t even know were there.
And every time I think I’ve reached the core—another door opens.
Another ache. Another memory. Another part of me I didn’t know I’d left behind.

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It’s disorienting, this kind of healing.

It doesn’t move in straight lines.
There’s no checkpoint. No final boss to defeat.
Just deeper and deeper returns to self.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and read my past insights like a map.
But maybe that’s not the point.
Maybe the insights are like waves—they crash, they soak something unseen, and then they’re gone.

But the ground underneath me is different.
Something changed. I just can’t point to where or how.

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So I’m learning to trust the forgetting.
To let the “biggest realisation of my life” pass through me without needing to hold it.
To know that what matters isn’t what I remember—but how I live.
And something in me is shifting.
Even if I can’t always say what or why.

Maybe this is what healing looks like:
Not collecting insights like souvenirs…
But being quietly, steadily changed by them.

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