I Thought They Were Attacking Me — But I Was Afraid to Trust
June 06, 2025
Sometimes I think people are judging or attacking me — but what I’m really feeling is the fear of being seen. And maybe that fear comes from the past, not the present.
For a while, I thought my tutors were projecting onto me.
That maybe they had something against me. That they didn’t like how I expressed myself. That they were subtly judging me or trying to catch me out.
But I’ve started to question that.
Because the more I sit with it, the more I realize…
Maybe they weren’t attacking me.
Maybe I was just afraid to trust them.
That’s not an easy thing to admit.
It’s much easier to assume that someone else is being unfair or critical — especially when you’ve lived through relationships where that was the norm.
Especially when powerful women have made you feel small before.
Especially when being vulnerable has never felt entirely safe.
But when I really reflect, I can see that these women — my tutors — have shown compassion.
They’ve offered support. They’ve noticed the work I’m doing.
They’ve been present in ways that don’t match the narrative my fear is clinging to.
And maybe… that’s why my fear is reacting.
Sometimes I think I project onto people because they’re safe enough to hold it.
Because somewhere inside, I know they won’t retaliate.
Because some part of me is still looking for someone who will finally meet the pain without abandoning me.
That doesn’t make me wrong.
It makes me human.
But it also invites me to look more clearly at the present —
To see who’s actually in front of me, not just who I expect them to become.
The truth is: I’ve done nothing wrong.
And neither have they.
This is what healing looks like — unblending past from present.
Realizing that the tension I feel in my body might not belong to this moment.
That it might be an echo of what was, not a reflection of what is.
And that insight — as uncomfortable as it is — brings freedom.
I don’t have to guard myself from people who are here to support me.
I don’t have to keep projecting old patterns onto new spaces.
I don’t have to assume threat just to feel prepared.
I thought they were attacking me.
But really, I was just afraid to trust.
And maybe… I’m ready to start learning how.