I Used to Say It Was for Them — But It Was Always for Me

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I’ve noticed a pattern in myself lately — one that’s been there for years, maybe forever.

When I want something, when I feel drawn toward something that feels deeply me, I don’t allow myself to simply want it. I don’t allow myself to say, “I’m doing this because I want to.”

Instead, I justify it through someone else.

I said I was buying that car to help my mum.
But really? I wanted it for myself.

I said I was building this website for my son.
But really? It’s for me — to finally express myself, to be seen, even if only by me at first.

It feels almost wrong to admit that. Like I’ve broken some unspoken rule about needing to be useful, selfless, productive. But the truth is:

It was always for me. I just didn’t know I was allowed to say that.

For a long time, I couldn’t. I had to filter everything I did through someone else’s benefit — because I was never taught that my desires were valid on their own.

But now I’m realizing something:

Wanting something for me isn’t selfish — it’s self-honoring.

And the irony is, even when I do it for myself, it still ripples outward.
My son learns by watching.
My inner child learns by being listened to.
My life takes shape not through performance, but through truth.

So this website? This car? These quiet decisions I’ve made that I used to hide behind excuses?

They’re mine.

And I’m learning that they’re allowed to be.