It Wasn’t What I Thought — And That’s a Relief

For weeks, I carried a heaviness I couldn’t quite name. I’d been rejected from the Level 4 counselling course without feedback. No email. No explanation. Nothing.

So I filled in the blanks with every fear I’ve ever known.

Maybe it was my mental health.
Maybe I was too much.
Maybe being open about my struggles made them see me as unstable.
Maybe they were trying to let me down quietly.
Maybe I was being silently ostracized.

All of that was plausible — because I’ve lived it before. And so the silence felt like a familiar kind of rejection.

But today, I spoke to Danny. And I got the truth.

It turns out I wasn’t rejected for being unstable. I wasn’t pushed out. I wasn’t overlooked because of my past.

I probably just didn’t put enough time into the application. And maybe the people who were interviewed alongside me were slightly stronger listeners. That’s it.

And the silence? It wasn’t personal. They just don’t have the capacity to give feedback to everyone.

---

At first, I felt stupid for how deeply I spiraled.
But now I see something else:

That spiral was based on my history.
On places I’ve been. On wounds I carry.
It makes sense that those stories came rushing in.

And yet — this time, they weren’t true.

This time, no one was trying to hurt me.
This time, I wasn’t being shamed.
This time, I just… missed out. Like lots of people do.

---

There’s relief in the ordinariness of it.

And there’s power in knowing I can reapply — stronger, clearer, more prepared.

And maybe more importantly:
I know now that my mental health doesn’t automatically disqualify me.
I’m not being punished for being honest about where I’ve been.

That’s a quiet kind of healing.

So even though I was wrong about the reason, I’m not deleting the posts I wrote in the meantime.
They were true to what I felt, and what I feared.
They still tell an honest story — just not the full one.

Now, I get to add this chapter.

And breathe a little easier.

---