Learning to Let Small Connections Matter

I’m not sure when I’ll have more energy.

Some days I imagine it’ll come after I’ve built the kind of relationships I need. Other days I hope it might come first, as a kind of reward for tending to myself so patiently.

But for now, I’m tired. I’m tired and still moving. Still reaching. Still trying to stay open.

There’s someone I say hello to most mornings. They’re kind, in their own way. Not especially emotionally available. Not especially curious. They don’t ask questions. But they’re consistent. They’re there. And for now, that’s something.

I’ve realized lately that I don’t need to make a binary choice between closeness and nothingness. Some connections are simply soft background presences. A nod. A glance. A shared smile. And that’s okay.

To expect every relationship to meet me in the deepest parts of who I am would be unrealistic. It would also be unfair—to others, and to myself. Because people can’t give what they haven’t cultivated. And that doesn’t always mean they’re bad. It just means they’re living at a different depth.

The difference now is that I trust myself more.

I trust myself not to pour too much into people who can’t hold it.
I trust myself not to confuse politeness with intimacy.
I trust myself to be in relationship—without handing over my sense of self.

And in that trust, I’ve started to allow space for imperfect connection. Not as a form of settling, but as a form of self-regulation. Sometimes, just being seen—even slightly—is enough to stop me from unraveling completely.

That’s not giving up. That’s wisdom.

There’s a quiet ache in this stage of life. The ache of wanting to be known, but not yet having found the places where that knowing lives. But I’m learning to stay with that ache, instead of rushing to numb it.

And somewhere beneath it all is this soft belief:

The energy will return.
The connections will deepen.
The season will shift.

But until then, I’ll let small connections matter.
Not because they’re everything—
but because they are something.
And for now, something is enough.

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