It’s 30 degrees outside today — and I’ve already walked the dog, had a cold shower, and decided not to force anything more. The gym’s too warm, walking again in the heat would be too much, and for once, I don’t feel guilty about just waiting it out. I’m listening to myself.

But underneath the surface heat, something deeper is happening.

I’m starting to let it all sink in:
I’m no longer carrying the pressure of parenting 50-50.
I’m no longer anxiously hoping for help from people who never truly showed up.
I’m no longer stuck in that space of survival, silently wishing someone would rescue me.

Because the truth is — I can handle this.

Not in a defiant, arms-crossed kind of way. But in a grounded, quiet knowing:

“If I ever felt overwhelmed, I could adjust. I could ask for support. I could trust myself to make a new decision. I’m not trapped anymore.”

And that’s a powerful place to land.

The Parts Are Settling

I’ve been doing deep inner work for a long time now. For a while, the inner child held the stage — all that unspoken pain, grief, loneliness. Then came the rebellious teen, full of fire, helping me set boundaries where I used to fold.

Now, I feel like that teen is softening too — less about proving, more about protecting. I know the next part of the integration is the critical parent — the voice that still tries to control or shame. But I don’t fear it anymore. I’ll meet it when it comes.

And through it all, the wise adult in me is getting stronger — not by forcing growth, but by witnessing it.
By staying with myself.
By not abandoning what’s true.

Yes, I’ve Gained Weight. Yes, I’ve Grown Even More.

Food has been my comfort — and I’ve needed it. I’ve lived through lonely nights, emotional overwhelm, and major internal shifts. And I don’t shame myself for using what I had to survive.

But now, something’s changing.

It’s not about fixing or proving anything. It’s about caring for myself differently. Gently. Intentionally. Giving my body what it needs to feel lighter — not just physically, but emotionally.

Not because I’m broken.
But because I want to feel better.

A Different Kind of Power

There’s a part of me — maybe that same rebellious teen — that looks around and thinks:

“I’ve done more emotional work than most therapists.”

And maybe that’s true. Maybe because I came from such a raw place of misattunement and neglect, I’ve had to work harder just to find my baseline. But I also know this doesn’t make me “better.” It just means I’m building something from the ground up — with a kind of honesty and self-awareness that can’t be faked.

For Now, I Rest

So today, I’m letting the fan blow when I need it.
I’m not pushing to do more just to feel worthy.
I’m letting the stillness be enough.

And maybe Monday, when the weather cools, I’ll move more. I’ll cook something lighter. I’ll start gently building new rhythms again. But right now?

Right now I’m letting it sink in —
I’m no longer in survival.

And that changes everything.