Maybe This Was a Healing Experience After All

I didn’t get onto the Level 4 course.
And for a while, that felt like a collapse.

I spiraled into shame. I imagined I’d been rejected for being too open about my mental health, or because I wasn’t liked, or because I’d made someone uncomfortable. I convinced myself there was something deeply wrong with me — again.

But after speaking with my tutor, I’m beginning to see something else.
Maybe this was a healing experience after all.

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It turns out my mental health wasn’t a factor at all.
They just didn’t have the capacity to give feedback to everyone.
And I probably didn’t spend enough time on my application.
Maybe the people I was interviewed alongside were just stronger listeners that day. I actually remember thinking that at the time.

I also remember being completely dysregulated.
My nervous system was fried.
Level 3 had been intense — emotionally exhausting — and I wasn’t in a good place when I applied.

Now, with a clearer head, I can admit that.

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I’ve realized something about myself:
When I’m afraid I won’t be enough, I sometimes pull back a little — leave myself a buffer.
If I don’t try fully, then maybe the rejection won’t hurt as much.

That’s a pattern. One I’m ready to outgrow.

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But here’s what shifted everything:
Danny sat with me. Gave me his time. Told me the truth.
He didn’t pity me. He didn’t sugarcoat.
He was honest — and kind.

And I believed him.

He saw potential in me. He said I might still get on the course.
He confirmed what I already suspected: I wasn’t quite ready — but I’m close.

And that did something in me I didn’t expect.
It softened something.

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I may have come 50th out of 80 applicants.
That’s okay.
I didn’t do the application very well.
I’m probably not the best listener yet.
But I’m self-aware. I care. I’m honest.
And with the right guidance, I can grow.

That’s enough to build from.

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If the course runs on a Thursday, I might still do it.
And if not, I think I’d be okay taking a year out.
Because for the first time, I don’t feel like I’m chasing this out of fear.
I’m grounded. I’m clearer.

And somehow, through all the spiraling, I feel a little more whole.

Maybe this was a healing experience after all.

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