My World May Have Opened Up

Today felt like a shift I wasn’t prepared for.

Not an epiphany. Not a high.
Just a quiet click inside me — like the world might have opened up, and I’d finally moved out of my own way.

I’ve been sitting with a lot lately. The shadow. The self-sabotage.
The relationships I couldn’t stay in. The ones I couldn’t feel safe in. The ones I thought I ruined.

But now I see something else:
I wasn’t broken. I was scared. And I was surviving the only way I knew how.

---

I used to blame myself for every failed connection.
Especially with women — the ones I pushed away, the ones I couldn’t commit to, the ones who let me go because I couldn’t fully show up.

But if I’m honest, I never believed I was good enough for real closeness.
And I chose — consciously or not — relationships where the intimacy had limits.
Not because I didn’t want love. But because I knew, deep down, that if it ended, it would destroy me.

So I chose what felt safe.
And now I can say that without shame.

---

I’ve looked back today and realised that most of the friendships I’ve let go of… I don’t even miss.
The long-distance ones drained me.
The local one I tried to keep going felt one-sided — like I had to hold all the weight and arrange all the connection.
I think I’d just outgrown it.
And maybe having a clear ending was the most respectful thing I could do.

And the rest?
They’re not even coming to mind. Which probably tells me everything I need to know.

---

So no — I haven’t ruined everything.
I’ve survived, adapted, and kept myself going.
And now, for the first time, I’m removing the barriers instead of reinforcing them.

It’s not that I’m surrounded by connection yet.
But it finally feels possible.

And that’s enough for today.

Maybe my world has opened up.
And maybe that’s what healing sounds like when it whispers.

---