Something strange came up in therapy today—something I hadn’t really looked at closely until now.

I’m starting to realize I’m not sure what attraction really means to me. I can look at a lot of women and feel physically attracted—notice their features, appreciate their beauty—but that doesn’t necessarily mean I feel attracted in a deeper sense.

And it leaves me wondering:

Is attraction just about the body? Or is it about the person too?

I think the answer, for me, is that true attraction involves more than surface-level desire. It has to come with emotional safety, a sense of being able to be myself fully around someone. And that’s been rare. Rare enough that I think I’ve built a kind of internal firewall—where even if someone’s kind or emotionally safe, I don’t let myself feel desire for them. Or if I do, I immediately question it.

There was someone I told I liked. She was conventionally attractive, and I did feel safe with her. But even then, I wasn’t sure I was really attracted to her. I thought maybe I was just suppressing my feelings out of fear or trauma, and I tried to override that confusion by naming it as attraction.

Looking back, I’m not sure I was fully honest with myself—or maybe I was just trying to be, with what tools I had at the time.

And then the shame creeps in.

Am I just using people as stepping stones to figure myself out?

But maybe it’s not that.
Maybe I’m not using anyone—I’m just trying to understand myself. Trying to feel again. Trying to untangle years of false signals, shutdowns, and coping strategies that protected me when desire didn’t feel safe.

The truth is, I’ve made more progress than I often give myself credit for. I’m not numb—I’m cautious. And even that is a form of wisdom.

So maybe attraction doesn’t make sense right now because I’m finally asking what it means for me—not what I was taught, not what I assumed, but what actually feels true.

And maybe that’s the beginning of something more honest.