Respecting the Edge

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I woke up at 3 a.m. today with only a few hours of sleep.
By all accounts, I should be pushing through.
Play poker. Clean the house. Be productive.
That’s the script I was raised with — that if I’m not doing, I’m falling behind.

But I’ve been listening more closely to myself lately. And today, my body was saying: rest.

Even though my body battery said 59%, I knew I was on fumes.
So instead of powering through, I took a nap. I played one more short tournament.
And then I stopped. Not out of laziness — but out of respect.

There’s something countercultural about that. Something that used to feel wrong.
How could I want so much from life — a partner, peace, purpose — and still let myself sit?

But I’m learning.
Learning that slowing down doesn’t mean giving up.
Learning that trusting the process is the most radical thing I can do right now.

I want to be a great partner for someone one day.
And I know I will be — because I’m learning to be that for myself first.
Not just intellectually. But in action. In stillness. In how I choose to respond when I feel overwhelmed or alone.

I’ve made mistakes in the past — picked people who activated my wounds instead of helping them heal.
People who felt like the nurturing parent I never had, but who turned out to be the critical voice I’ve spent my life trying to quiet.

And I see now — I was caught in the drama triangle:
Victim. Rescuer. Persecutor.
Switching roles. Staying stuck. Always dysregulated.

But today, I’m stepping out of the triangle.
I’m choosing presence over performance.
And that, in itself, is healing.

So I’m taking it slow.
Not because I’ve lost faith in life.
But because I’ve finally started to trust it.