Searching for the Nurturing Parent — And Finding the Critical One
June 04, 2025
I used to unconsciously search for a nurturing parent in others — and often found the critical one instead. Now I see the pattern clearly, and I’m learning to meet myself with the compassion I was never given.
Self‑Mothering Playlist → I’ve started to see a pattern that has run through most of my relationships.
At some level, I think I’ve been searching for a part of myself in other people — the part that was never fully met in childhood. The nurturing parent. The one who sees me gently, holds space, offers warmth without judgment.
But instead of that, I often ended up with the critical parent — the voice that judges, corrects, stands one step above. And I took the one-down position. Again and again.
It’s not always obvious. Sometimes the relationship even feels healthy on the surface. But when I look closely, the dynamic is still there — that sense that I’m the one being helped, tolerated, subtly managed.
And the truth is… On some level, I wanted that.
Not the criticism, but the care. The containment. The feeling that someone could finally give me what I missed.
Of course I looked for it in others. Of course I kept ending up in uneven dynamics. Because I’d never known what it felt like to be held without hierarchy.
For a long time, I denied how bad my childhood really was. How little attunement there was. How unskilled my parents were at parenting.
And because I couldn’t face that, I internalised all the shame of it. I believed it was me. That I was too much. Too sensitive. Too needy.
But it wasn’t me. The shame didn’t start in me. It was passed to me — by parents who couldn’t meet my needs, and then made me feel wrong for having them.
And I’ve been carrying that shame into relationships ever since.
But now I see it.
I’m not broken for wanting to be nurtured. I’m not weak for needing softness. I’m just someone who never received it — and now knows how to name that wound.
And that changes everything.
Because if I can be conscious of the pattern, I don’t have to keep repeating it. And if I can meet myself with compassion, I won’t need others to hold what I’m not willing to hold within.
I don’t need saving. I don’t need fixing. I just need truth. And care. And the kind of love that starts from within.
And that… I can give myself now.