Self-Sabotage Isn’t the Whole Story

I’ve been sitting with the truth lately:
I probably didn’t get onto the course because I didn’t spend enough time on my application.
And maybe my listening skills weren’t quite where they needed to be yet.

That’s hard to admit. But it’s also… okay.

It’s honest.

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At first, I spiraled. I assumed the worst.
Maybe it was my mental health.
Maybe I was too open in class.
Maybe I scared them off.
Maybe I wasn’t liked.

But now that I’ve spoken to my tutor and gotten the real picture, I can see it wasn’t personal at all.

It was simple:
I rushed something that mattered.
And that’s a familiar pattern.

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I’ve done that before — pulled back a little when something really counted.
Not because I didn’t care, but because I cared so much that giving 100% felt dangerous.
If I gave it everything and still got rejected, I wouldn’t have a fallback narrative.
So I left myself an out.
And then when the rejection came, I felt the same old shame.

But this time, I’m not collapsing into that story.

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Because here’s what I know now:
Self-sabotage isn’t the whole story.

It’s not laziness.
It’s not apathy.
It’s fear — ancient and protective.

It says, “If you don’t fully try, you can’t fully fail.”
It says, “Stay small, and you won’t be seen as not enough.”

But I’m seeing it more clearly now. And I’m not judging it. I’m understanding it.

That clarity is already loosening the grip.

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I can improve my listening skills.
I can take my time next time.
I can learn what’s needed and show up more fully.
And if I’m rejected again, I’ll know it wasn’t because I didn’t try.

That, to me, is a quiet kind of progress.

And I’ll take that over perfection any day.

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