The Cost of Not Leaving Her Behind

There’s a part of me that still plays poker when I’m dysregulated.
And I’m starting to see that it’s not just a coping mechanism — it’s a form of self-sabotage.

Because when I’m honest with myself, I know this:

I had — and still have — the potential to be one of the best.

Not in some delusional, grandiose way.
But in a quiet, grounded way that comes from years of study, experience, and the ability to stay calm under pressure.
I’ve made real money.
I’ve won big tournaments against tough players.
And when I’m regulated and focused, I don’t feel out of place in high-stakes games.
I see others make mistakes.
And I know I belong.

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🧠 But I Didn’t Let Myself Commit

For years, I kept one foot out.
Told myself poker wasn’t a “real plan.”
Let old narratives creep in — ones that weren’t even mine.

“You shouldn’t be doing this.”
“It’s not sustainable.”
“You’ll fail.”

Those weren’t my voice.
They were hers.

My mother’s.

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🧒 A Child’s Loyalty

I think part of me still believed that if I truly succeeded — if I really committed — I’d be leaving her behind.
That if I became powerful, stable, wealthy, emotionally independent…

She’d disappear. Or punish me. Or crumble.

So I kept myself small.
Played when I was unregulated.
Burned through money.
Told myself stories that kept me tethered to her emotional world.

It wasn’t protection.
It was control.
She may have believed she was keeping me safe —
But really, she just didn’t want to be left.

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🎯 The Truth About My Skill

It still feels arrogant to say it — but I need to.

I’m good. Really good.
Not perfect. Not immune to downswings.
But my win rate this year has been insane.

Even with imperfections.
Even with moments of dysregulation.
It’s clear that when I am in balance, I can beat some of the best.

And every day, I’m getting better.
Not just as a player — but as a person.
More grounded. More focused. More whole.

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🔓 Letting Go of the Contract

I see now that the real block wasn’t technical.
It wasn’t variance.
It wasn’t strategy.

It was this deep, unconscious contract I made as a child:

“If I stay small, maybe she’ll love me.”

But I don’t want to stay small anymore.
I don’t want to dim so someone else can feel safe.
I don’t want to ruin my future to preserve a past that never held me properly.

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🌱 What Happens Next

I’m not chasing greatness out of ego.
I’m walking toward it because it’s mine.

Because I’ve earned this clarity.
Because I’ve survived what was meant to break me.
Because I’m finally ready to win — for me.

And if that means leaving behind the systems that kept me stuck?

Then so be it.

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