The Mirror in the Trigger

Sometimes the people who trigger me the most are the ones holding up a mirror.

It doesn’t feel like that at first — it feels like they’re wrong. They’re annoying. They’re playing the victim, they’re pushing too hard, they’re rescuing when no one asked.

But beneath the surface, something deeper is going on.

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The Mother and the Helper

There was a moment recently involving a parent who, to me, came across as playing the victim — using their child as a kind of emotional crutch for their shame. It hit a nerve. I felt irritated, activated.

Another person in the interaction was validating her, offering solutions, kind of enabling it.

And it really got to me.

But when I stepped back, I saw something else:

• I’ve also played the victim at times. I’ve wanted to be rescued. I’ve leaned into helplessness to avoid facing something painful.
• I’ve also been the helper — trying to fix, validate, offer advice before people have even asked.
• And I’ve also leaned on others emotionally, including my child, to regulate shame I didn’t yet know how to hold.

The parts of them that triggered me? They’re also parts of me I’ve had trouble accepting. And instead of seeing them with compassion, I projected my own unintegrated shame outward.

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The Professional Dynamic

I also noticed myself getting triggered by someone I once worked with in a professional support role. And again, when I reflected, I realized:

I get a certain validation from helping people.
I take pride in the growth I see in others, especially if I’ve played a role.
But sometimes, deep down, there’s a need in me — to feel valuable through their progress.

That need has sometimes come from insecurity.
It’s not inherently bad — it just needs to be seen.
Owned. Loved.

The trigger wasn’t just about them.
It was about the parts of myself I hadn’t yet fully accepted.

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The One Who Pushed Too Hard

There was another moment — someone in a position of authority who pushed me to face something I wasn’t ready to face. It felt invasive. Disrespectful. Misattuned.

But again — I’ve been that person too.

There are times when I’ve pushed people before they were ready. Times when I’ve led people into insights they didn’t ask for — not because they needed it, but because I needed to feel like I helped.

That part of me still lives inside me. And it needs to be held — not rejected.

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The Mirror in the Trigger

This doesn’t mean every reaction is projection.
Sometimes people are genuinely out of line.
But when the trigger feels disproportionate — intense, hot, sticky — it’s usually a mirror.

It’s a part of me saying:

“You haven’t loved this part of us yet.”

The rescuer.
The victim.
The fixer.
The pusher.
The one who needs to be needed.

They all live in me.

And the more I accept them — not shame them, not indulge them, but love them — the more I can meet others with clarity instead of projection.

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So Now?

I’m watching my triggers with softer eyes.
I’m asking:

“Is this really about them?”
“Or is this a part of me still waiting to be seen?”

And the answer isn’t always easy.
But it’s honest.

And that’s how I know I’m healing.