The Parental Voices We Carry Inside

Some voices don’t belong to us — but we live by them anyway.

In Chapter 18 of Living an Examined Life, James Hollis explores the idea that our parents continue to live inside us long after childhood. Not in memory alone — but in the internalised voices that direct our fears, our shame, our self-worth, and our boundaries.

“Unless we examine and challenge the parental voices within, we are living someone else’s life.”
— James Hollis

That hit hard.

Because I’ve already set boundaries with my actual parents.
But it’s the residue that lingers.

• The self-doubt.
• The instinct to freeze when someone’s disappointed in me.
• The guilt that creeps in when I rest or say no.

These aren’t just habits.
They’re echoes of an early environment that taught me who I had to be in order to be safe, seen, or spared.

And even now — with all the awareness I’ve cultivated — that old conditioning can still run the show if I don’t slow down and name it.

This chapter isn’t about blaming our parents.
It’s about reclaiming authority over the voices we listen to.

And learning to speak with a new voice:

• One rooted in present truth, not past survival.
• One that doesn’t shrink to please or silence to stay safe.
• One that knows how to self-parent — kindly, firmly, honestly.

I don’t want to live a life authored by ghosts.
I want to raise my son — and myself — in a story I’ve consciously chosen.

That begins with recognising which voices are still speaking…
and whether I still believe them.