There’s a group chat I’m in.
It’s full of kind people. Safe people. People who, in many ways, I trust.
And yet… I still can’t bring myself to check it all the time.

There’s nothing wrong with the group.
But I’m learning something about myself — about how I need to pace this stage of healing.

I’m Noticing I Don’t Need to Check In Every Five Minutes

Not because I don’t care.
Not because I’m disconnected.
But because constant checking has always been a way to soothe fear — the fear of missing something, of being left behind, of being unworthy if I’m not available.

But now?

I’m starting to choose peace over hypervigilance.
Presence over performance.

I don’t need to stay wired in just to feel safe.
I can check once a day.
I can wait until my body feels ready.
And that’s not avoidance. That’s trust — in myself, in the people who are there, and in the pace that keeps me well.

Stress Doesn’t Equal Safety

Yesterday, my stress levels were through the roof.
All day. Through the night.
Even though nothing overtly dangerous happened — it was just my nervous system working overtime.

It reminded me that just because something is good for me in theory, it doesn’t mean I’m ready to be immersed in it fully.
Even safe connection can feel intense when I’ve lived a life that taught me to be cautious with closeness.

Tiny Teaspoons of Trust

That’s what I’m doing.

Not pouring the whole bottle of vulnerability at once.
Not rushing toward some perfect version of community.
Just offering myself tiny teaspoons of trust.

One reply. One check-in. One message. One silence.

And when it feels right — another.

It’s All Coming Together in Its Own Way

Maybe it’s not about fixing the whole system.
Maybe it’s just about slowing down enough to let it rewire safely.

I don’t need to force connection.
I don’t need to rush safety.
I don’t need to prove anything.

I just need to keep choosing myself — gently, daily — and let the rest come when it’s ready.

And maybe that’s what healing really is:
Not an explosion. Not a moment.

Just a quiet series of tiny teaspoons.