When Rest Isn’t Restful: Healing From the Freeze

Lately, I’ve had time to myself — complete autonomy, quiet space, no parenting responsibilities — and yet… I still feel exhausted.

I’ve tried resting. Napping. Managing energy with care.
I’ve even succeeded in external ways — I’ve won around $5,000 in the last couple of days at poker, and I’ve been reflecting deeply, setting intentions for the future.

And yet… the battery won’t recharge.

I’m running on 16% most days, even when I do everything “right.”

---

🧠 This Isn’t Laziness. It’s Healing.

What I’ve come to realise is this:

I’m not tired from doing too much right now.
I’m tired because my body is finally safe enough to start letting go of years of survival mode.

The freeze state — that quiet, numb, low-energy shutdown — is something I used to live in without even realising it.
And now that I’m safe, authentic, and no longer performing… I can feel how depleted I really am underneath it all.

---

🔄 This Isn’t Just Rest — It’s Rewiring

The frustration makes sense. I want to use this free time. I want to be productive.
But my body is doing something far deeper than ticking boxes.

It’s repatterning.

It’s learning what it means to move without urgency.
To exist without having to earn rest.
To trust that slowness isn’t failure — it’s integration.

And that’s exhausting in a very different way.

---

⚡ When External Success Doesn’t Match Internal Energy

The paradox is strange.
I’m winning at poker. I’m making good decisions. I’m more strategic and deliberate.

And I still feel drained.

But maybe that’s the point:

I’m being forced into a new way of doing things — one that doesn’t rely on adrenaline, anxiety, or pressure.

Instead of running on fumes, I’m learning how to live from alignment.
And that’s taking everything I have right now.

---

🌿 A Reminder to Myself

This week is not wasted.
Even if I don’t “do” much.
Even if I’m slow, flat, tired, or uninspired.

This is part of the process.
I’m not failing — I’m finally stopping the cycle of internal abandonment.

I have no choice but to be authentic and kind with myself now.
Because all other roads lead back to misery.

And even if I only have 16% battery, I’ll use it wisely.
Not to perform — but to stay with myself through the healing.

---