When the Wound Won’t Close
June 08, 2025
Sometimes healing doesn’t mean resolution. It means learning to sit with what still aches — without abandoning ourselves in the process.
There are some wounds that don’t close quickly.
Not because we’re broken.
But because what caused them went too deep, for too long, without anyone seeing.
This is one of those wounds.
💔 The Wound of Emotional Betrayal
It wasn’t just that my father pushed me away.
It’s that I felt loved by him — and then had to survive the reality of being exiled by that same love.
That kind of betrayal doesn’t just leave you hurt.
It leaves you confused, ashamed, and disoriented.
You start wondering:
- Did I make it up?
- Was I wrong to believe I mattered?
- How could someone love me and still leave me so wounded?
🧠 Why It Still Feels Dirty
Because it was a violation — not of my body, but of my emotional innocence.
I trusted what I felt.
And his actions contradicted it so strongly that I started to mistrust myself.
It wasn’t just a lack of love.
It was love that came dressed in rejection.
And I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since.
⚖️ Maybe He Loved Me. But He Still Failed Me.
These truths can live side by side:
- He may have loved me in a deeply broken way.
- He still left me emotionally shattered.
That doesn’t mean I have to hate him.
But it also doesn’t mean I have to keep explaining his choices as some noble sacrifice.
Because the truth is — I could have died.
And love that pushes a child to the edge of suicide is not love that worked.
🪞 The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
It makes so much sense now.
Why I’ve struggled to trust love.
Why I doubt my instincts.
Why my self-esteem has always felt fragile — like it was built on borrowed scaffolding.
If the people who were meant to hold you don’t —
you learn to abandon yourself before anyone else gets the chance.
🩹 When Healing Isn’t Resolution
This isn’t a post with a clean ending.
There’s no bow to tie here.
Just a deep breath and a small truth:
The wound may not be ready to close.
But I am ready to sit with it — without shame.
Without rushing.
Without abandoning the boy in me who still needs to be held.
🕯 A Quiet Promise
To that boy:
You weren’t wrong.
You weren’t crazy.
You felt love — and you were right to trust that.
It wasn’t your job to translate cruelty into care.
And I won’t leave you behind again.
Even if the wound stays open, I’ll stay too.
That’s the love you deserved.
And now — it’s the love you’ll get.