You Are What You Do Not What You Say You Want

What if the truth of who you are isn’t found in your goals, or even your values — but in your actual behavior?

That’s the claim Hollis makes in Chapter 17 of Living an Examined Life.
And when I read it, I didn’t feel shame.
I felt seen.

Because I do want a life rooted in authenticity.
I do want to be a grounded parent, a thoughtful writer, a therapist with depth.
But the lemon cake at 1am? The scrolling? The collapsing into exhaustion without fully tending to myself?
Those are part of the truth too.

“The world is not asking for our intentions. It is asking for our accountability.”
— James Hollis

And maybe that’s not a call to hustle harder — maybe it’s an invitation to integrate.

To ask:
– What am I actually choosing, over and over again?
– What daily rituals reflect the life I say I want?
– Where am I still protecting old parts of me — by acting in ways that soothe but don’t serve?

It’s not about perfection. It’s about honest alignment.

And if I can get up tomorrow and vote — in a small way — for the man I’m becoming,
that’s a life I can live with.

Even if I still sometimes reach for the cake.