Introduction

Every time I slow down enough to hear myself — really hear myself — something shifts.
It’s never dramatic. It’s more like watching the internal weather change: clouds passing, air clearing, something inside settling into place.

Over the past few days, especially while feeling physically unwell, I’ve been noticing how certain urges rise to the surface. Not as impulses, not as cravings, but as messages from younger parts of me that still want warmth, comfort, and closeness.

This post is a weaving together of all the threads that showed up.
It’s about urges.
It’s about loneliness.
It’s about masculinity.
It’s about timing.
And most of all, it’s about becoming the man I can actually feel proud of.

Urges Aren’t About Sex — They’re About Soothing

When I’m depleted, alone, or emotionally stirred, my body pulls me toward comfort.
And sometimes that comfort disguises itself as sexual desire.

But when I slow down, I can feel the truth:

I’m not sexually activated — I’m attachment-activated.
My body isn’t asking for pleasure.
It’s asking not to feel alone.

This realisation changes everything.

The urge isn’t something to fight or shame.
It’s simply a younger part of me, reaching for the closest approximation of safety it can imagine.

When I see the urge that way — as a nervous system seeking warmth — the power shifts.
It becomes something I can tend to, not act out.

Why Timing Matters More Than Desire

A hard truth landed this week:

I’m not ready for a relationship right now.
And that’s okay — it’s not avoidance. It’s clarity.

I’m still forming the foundations of the man I’m becoming:

  • steady
  • grounded
  • emotionally mature
  • more secure than I’ve ever been
  • creative, regulated, purposeful
  • a deeply present father

If someone came into my life right now — especially someone emotionally significant — it might destabilise me. Not because I’d depend on them, but because the foundation is still setting.

But in six months?

Yeah.
I can feel something shifting there.
Not a deadline, not a goal — more like a felt sense of possibility.

Masculinity, Attraction, and the Fears Beneath Them

I also found myself revisiting old fears around attraction.

Not the superficial kind — the deeper ones:

  • fearing becoming invisible
  • fearing I’ll never be chosen
  • fearing I’m “too old”
  • fearing I’m not desirable enough
  • fearing no one sees my sensitivity as strength

But when I reflect honestly, I see something else:

I was always more attractive to people than I realised —
I just couldn’t receive it.

Because when you grow up without validation, without a secure caregiver, without someone mirroring your worth back to you, you don’t believe admiration is real. Even when it’s right in front of you.

As I grow into myself, this fear is loosening.
Not disappearing — but loosening.

What I’m learning is this:

Healthy women don’t choose based on youth or perfection.
They choose based on emotional steadiness, presence, and depth.

And those are the qualities I’m building every single day.

The Man I’m Becoming

A question came up during this reflection:

“What qualities would a secure, grounded woman see in me six months from now?”

My answer surprised me with its honesty:

  • my commitment to growth
  • my care, not as insecurity but as emotional intelligence
  • my effort, not as fragility but as devotion
  • my independence, not as avoidance but as maturity
  • my willingness to carry my own life fully and invite her into it
  • my capacity for co-regulation
  • my steadiness
  • my fatherhood
  • my creativity
  • my presence

These are qualities I’m cultivating — not for someone else, but for myself.

A relationship would no longer be about filling emptiness.
It would be about sharing fullness.

The Value of Friendships Before Love

Another truth surfaced:

I need more genuine friendships before I step into partnership.

Not because I’m lonely.
Not because I need distraction.
But because friendships:

  • help me practise connection
  • deepen belonging
  • give me co-regulation in low-pressure settings
  • build resilience
  • widen my world
  • soften my independence
  • strengthen my capacity for intimacy

Friendship first.
Relationship later.
That’s the right order — not for everyone, but for me.

Hope, Without Urgency

I’m holding a quiet, grounded hope that in time, the right person will arrive.
Not out of scarcity.
Not out of longing.
But out of alignment.

If she comes, it will be because I’ve grown into the version of myself that can recognise her.
And if she never comes, I will still have built a life of depth, meaning, and connection — with myself, my son, and the people I meet along the way.

The difference now is this:

I don’t need to rush toward love.
I’m becoming the version of myself who would meet love well.

That alone makes the journey worthwhile.

Closing

These reflections weren’t planned.
They came from illness, quietness, solitude, and slowing down.

They came from listening to myself.
They came from honesty.

And they’ve left me with one simple truth:

I’m becoming a man who deserves the kind of relationship he once thought was impossible.
And I don’t need to hurry.
I just need to keep walking.