The Pattern Between My Mother and My Ex
Tonight something clicked with a kind of clarity I’ve never had before.
For the first time, I can see the pattern.
Not just with my mother.
Not just with my ex.
But the template that shaped both relationships — and shaped the part of me that tried to survive inside them.
This isn’t about diagnosing anyone.
It’s about recognising the relational dynamics I was raised in, so I can finally stop repeating them.
Below is the clearest breakdown of the pattern I grew up with — and the one I unconsciously recreated in my adult relationship.
And how I can now see the difference.
1. Emotional Inconsistency
My mother: warm → cold → withdrawn → confusing
My ex: affectionate → distant → silent → reappearing
I learned to stabilise other people instead of asking for stability myself.
2. Selective Responsibility
My mother: confusion, deflection, guilt
My ex: denial, blame reversal, avoidance
Both avoided owning the emotional impact of their behaviour.
3. Rewriting the Story
My mother: “I didn’t understand / that’s not what happened.”
My ex: “You misunderstood / I never said that.”
Both made me question my own clarity.
4. Being Forced to Explain Myself
My mother: endless explanations just to be heard.
My ex: I found myself clarifying everything — tone, intent, meaning.
My nervous system was trained to over-explain to avoid conflict.
5. Withdrawal as Punishment
My mother: silence, distance, emotional freezing.
My ex: disappearing when things got difficult.
Both used absence as a form of control.
6. Becoming the Responsible One
My mother: I carried her emotional world.
My ex: I carried the emotional labour of the relationship.
I learned to be the “adult” in every dynamic, even as a child.
7. Boundaries Triggering Defensiveness
My mother: guilt, confusion, weaponised generosity.
My ex: shutdowns, coldness, emotional withdrawal.
Both viewed my boundaries as attacks, not clarity.
8. Invalidation of My Emotional Reality
My mother: minimising, reframing, denying.
My ex: downplaying, misinterpreting, dismissing.
Both made me feel like my emotions needed justification to exist.
9. Feeling Unseen
My mother: never attuned to my inner world.
My ex: couldn’t meet me emotionally or with depth.
I’ve spent years trying to be seen by people who didn’t have the capacity.
10. Feeling “Too Much” and “Not Enough” at the Same Time
My mother: my needs were inconveniences.
My ex: my needs created pressure.
The same wound, repeated in a new form.
The Template
Here’s the truth at the centre:
I learned love meant adapting to someone else’s emotional limitations.
That’s what I grew up with.
That’s what I unconsciously gravitated toward.
That’s what made the relationship with my ex feel familiar — even when it hurt.
Not because it was good.
But because it matched the emotional terrain of my childhood.
Breaking the Pattern
The difference now is stark:
- I set a clear boundary with my mother and didn’t collapse.
- I didn’t over-explain.
- I didn’t chase.
- I didn’t try to fix the emotional rupture.
- I walked away cleanly.
- I trusted myself.
- And my adult self came online in a way I’ve never experienced before.
This is why everything feels different tonight.
Why my body feels different.
Why my mind feels different.
Why I’m seeing people with clarity instead of longing.
I’m not repeating the template anymore.
I’m stepping out of it.
I’m finally becoming the adult version of myself —
the one who chooses alignment, clarity, and emotional reality
instead of patterns built in childhood.
This is the beginning of the new template.