A short lived observation — not fully formed, but alive.
What I’m Noticing
There’s a strange kind of loneliness that appears when you stop performing the role others expect of you.
The relationships that once made me feel part of something
begin to show their true nature —
conditional, transactional, survival-based.
When I stop playing the part that kept those bonds intact…
the curtain falls, and I’m left standing with myself.
It hurts.
And yet — something in me relaxes.
I keep returning to this line:
“Loneliness is not being alone, it’s being surrounded by people who make you feel like you are alone.”
— attributed to Robin Williams
Leaving those relationships has meant losing the illusion of belonging —
but I feel less alone now than I did when I was surrounded by people who never really saw me.
This feels like sovereignty.
Quiet.
Costly.
Real.
Why I Think It Matters
When the mask drops, two things appear:
Grief
For all the years spent being who I wasn’t
Freedom
For all the years still ahead of me — where I don’t have to do that anymore
To see the truth clearly is a heavy thing to hold alone.
I don’t think we’re meant to do it without help.
A therapist isn’t there to fix you —
they’re there to witness what’s real
without needing you to shrink or perform.
I’m learning that:
- Letting go of false connection makes space for real connection
- Solitude can be a doorway rather than a dead end
- Being true to myself sometimes means being alone with myself
- Self-respect is worth the silence it creates
The price of seeing clearly is that some people disappear.
Maybe they were never really with me in the first place.
The Open Question
What if the pain of stepping away is simply the cost of stepping into myself?
What if this emptiness is not a void —
but a clearing?
A space being prepared
for the kind of relationships where I don’t have to hide?
I don’t know what comes next.
I just know I’m not willing to abandon myself again.
I’m still figuring this out…