The Shift in My Relationship With Money, Poker, and Adulthood

Understanding Risk, Stability, and What It Means to Finally Feel Emotionally Grounded

Something significant has shifted inside me.
I can feel it in the way I think about money.
I can feel it in the way I think about poker.
I can feel it in the way I look at the future.

It’s not dramatic.
It’s not chaotic.
It’s not overwhelming.

It’s quiet.
Grounded.
Adult.

For the first time, my decisions are coming from a place of stability rather than emotional compensation.

1. My Relationship With Poker Has Changed

Last year I made over £10,000 from poker.
I was proud of that — and I should be.

But I now see that some of my behaviours around deposits, risk, and stakes weren’t just about poker.
They were emotional:

  • Poker felt like freedom.
  • Depositing felt like autonomy.
  • Taking shots felt like rebellion.
  • Spending winnings felt like escape from my mother’s financial shadow.
  • Winning felt like proof that I could support myself.

Even when I was being careful, emotionally I was still operating from an old wound.

Now that those wounds are integrating, my thinking has shifted:

  • I don’t want to deposit large amounts.
  • I don’t want to risk emotional damage with high stakes.
  • I want to build the bankroll from almost nothing.
  • I want to play lower stakes without ego.
  • I want poker to be craft, not coping.
  • I want risk to be calculated, not emotionally charged.

This isn’t fear.
This is adulthood.

2. Building a Bankroll From the Ground Up Feels Different Now

In the past, starting small felt tedious or demotivating.
Now it feels like discipline.
A fresh start.
A stronger foundation.
A chance to play with clarity instead of emotional residue.

The truth is, I can build a bankroll from scratch.
I know that.
I’ve proven it before.

The difference now is that I want to build it safely, sustainably, and slowly — because that protects my emotional state, my finances, and my long-term freedom.

This is what responsible poker looks like:

  • Small deposits (if needed).
  • Lots of volume at low stakes.
  • No pressure on results.
  • No attachment to status.
  • No ego around buy-ins.
  • No desperation.

Just skill, patience, and self-regulation.

3. My Spending Was Emotional — and I Can See That Now

I used to spend money a bit more freely.
Not recklessly — but emotionally.

It soothed things:

  • loneliness
  • anxiety
  • old wounds
  • the ache of not feeling supported growing up

And, if I’m honest, it also felt like pushing back against my mother’s control.
A small rebellion.
A way of saying:

“This is my money.
I decide what to do with it.”

That’s understandable, given my history.

But something in me has released that impulse.
I don’t need to spend to soothe.
I don’t need to rebel to feel free.
I don’t need emotional purchases to feel alive.

And because of that, spending feels less chaotic and more grounded.

I can be tighter with money — not from fear, but from clarity.

4. My ISAs Were Not a Mistake — They Were a Lifeboat

For a moment, I wondered whether locking my money in fixed-term ISAs was foolish.

But now I realise:

They were one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made.

  • They give me stability during college.
  • They give me annual financial “lifeboats.”
  • They stop me from making impulsive decisions.
  • They ensure I have support while building my career.
  • They protect me from relying on my mother ever again.
  • They give me something to build toward each year.
  • They guarantee that I’ll always have runway for the future.

I’ll finish college with £20,000 maturing.
Financial breathing room.
A safety net.
A soft landing.

My adult self was already planning for my future, even when I didn’t fully see it.

Now I see it clearly.

5. The Emotional Shift Is the Real Story

The numbers matter.
The bankroll matters.
The budgeting matters.

But the real transformation is this:

I finally feel capable of grounding myself.

This is what changed:

  • I no longer feel the emotional pull to overspend.
  • I no longer feel the urge to escape through poker.
  • I no longer feel chaos in my financial decisions.
  • I no longer feel dependent on anyone else’s money.
  • I no longer feel unsteady or uncertain.
  • I no longer feel like a child trying to survive.

This is the first time in my life where my finances feel attached to my values, not my wounds.

6. What Adulthood Actually Looks Like

It isn’t about perfection.
It isn’t about never making mistakes.

It’s about:

  • evaluating decisions honestly
  • protecting your future self
  • living within realistic limits
  • making choices aligned with your values
  • choosing stable ground over excitement
  • understanding emotional triggers
  • creating structure instead of chaos
  • taking responsibility without guilt
  • allowing yourself to grow

And I’m doing all of that now.

Not perfectly.
But consistently.

7. The Future Feels Different Now

For the first time, money feels:

  • manageable
  • grounded
  • calm
  • intentional
  • connected to who I’m becoming

Poker feels like:

  • a craft
  • a discipline
  • a long-term project
  • a doorway to freedom
  • something I can build slowly

And life feels like:

  • something I can shape
  • something I can trust
  • something I can plan for
  • something I can grow into
  • something I can protect

This shift isn’t temporary.
It’s foundational.

I’ve been circling this truth for years —
but now it’s landed.

And that changes everything.