This isn’t something that arrived all at once.
More a slow recognition, forming over time.
Not dramatic.
Just quietly clarifying — and quietly relieving.
What I’m Noticing
I’ve spent a long time wondering whether I’m avoidant.
Replaying past relationships.
Looking for patterns.
Trying to understand why closeness sometimes feels easier at a distance.
What I’m noticing now is that how I relate depends a lot on where I’m relating.
In some dynamics, closeness feels like something I have to maintain.
Something I have to prove.
Something that requires me to override my own rhythm.
In those spaces, I become careful.
I retreat.
I start managing myself.
In others — quieter, rarer ones — closeness doesn’t feel compulsory.
It feels optional.
Inviting.
Negotiated.
And in those moments, something different happens.
I stay.
Why I Think It Matters
I’m beginning to understand that secure-enough relating isn’t about constant availability or emotional intensity.
It’s about pace.
Being able to say, “I need some time,” without it becoming a problem to solve.
Being able to return without repairing something that was never broken.
Being able to disagree without the relationship itself feeling under threat.
There’s no emergency when difference appears.
No demand to be understood immediately.
No subtle pressure to close the gap before I’m ready.
Closeness is offered — not enforced.
And I notice how my body responds to that.
It settles.
I’m realising that a lot of what gets labelled as avoidance is often a response to environments that don’t allow for spaciousness.
When closeness is measured by proximity,
when reassurance is expected on demand,
when growth is framed as something that needs to happen for the relationship to survive —
something in me tightens.
That tightening isn’t a failure of attachment.
It’s information.
The Open Question
I’m still learning how to trust the difference between distance that protects me
and distance that disconnects me.
And I’m curious about this:
What would change if I stopped asking whether I’m avoidant —
and started asking whether a relationship allows me to stay present without disappearing?