For most of my life, I’ve led with vulnerability.

Not because I was trying to be soft — but because it felt like the only way I’d be accepted. The only way someone would stay. If I showed strength, if I showed boundaries, if I showed the part of me that didn’t need rescuing… the connection disappeared.

So I learned to keep the stronger parts of me hidden. I showed the ache, the confusion, the need — because that’s what people responded to. And over time, I think I unconsciously chose relationships that reinforced that. Including therapists.

Looking back, I think I chose my former therapist because he reminded me of the systems I came from. Same generation. Same posture. Same quiet belief that structure equals care. But it wasn’t care. Not the kind I needed. It was familiarity.

It’s only now I realise: I was still hoping someone had a plan for me. Still wanting someone to lead me out of the dark. But there was no plan. There was just a man — doing what he knew how to do. And somewhere inside, I think I knew it wasn’t right. That’s why I started seeing him less. That’s why the frustration started to rise.

Lately, I’ve noticed I’m irritated more easily. I have less tolerance for shallow advice, misattuned suggestions, forced vulnerability, or being analysed instead of felt. And under that irritation is a very old wound:

I’ve put everything into trying to connect — and it still hasn’t worked.

I’ve led with openness. I’ve been reflective, honest, generous. And too often, I’ve been met with people who misunderstood the very thing I was offering.

That doesn’t make me wrong. It just makes me tired.

But the truth is, I’m not doing that anymore.

I’m no longer shaping myself to fit someone else’s idea of what I need. I’m no longer showing just the parts that invite care. And I’m not here to trigger someone’s need to step in and parent me.

If I ever did that — it wasn’t manipulation. It was survival. But I don’t need that survival strategy anymore.

My tolerance for bullshit is gone. Not because I’m hard. But because I’m finally honest.

This is where I am:

No longer projecting divine plans onto human people

No longer mistaking curiosity for safety

No longer apologising for the strength I kept buried for years

And if that makes me harder to digest for certain people — that’s fine.

I didn’t come here to be digested. I came here to be whole.